I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
