you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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