Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
