I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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