By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
