You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
