I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
