i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
