I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Pappa wants mamma naked
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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