My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
