If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
