Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
