Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We need to get me chipped asap
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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