I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
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What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My ass is underappreciated
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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