you traded sex for a burrito?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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