Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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