it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
