Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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