i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
