some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
