In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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