Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
