GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
