Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
