Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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