I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
