She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize