i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
