I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
