I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
