U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
