I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
