Three words: puerto rican gang bang
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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