Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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