I accidentally burped into my bong.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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