i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
