In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
