Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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