alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
