why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
