you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
