How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my sisters under your porch take her home
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
