Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
