So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
