I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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