if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize