Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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