Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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