It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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