I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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