I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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