i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
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My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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