Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
