You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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