I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
